I spent my whole life either feeling alone or being alone. I just saw a video of this Youtuber who is beautiful yet she said she never really had friends but she had a boyfriend in high school. She even admitted she thinks of going places but had no one to go with. I know that story very well the sense you do not belong. The familiar feeling of being trapped in your own lack of social skills or not being normal enough. From elementary school I can remember my shyness I wanted to be invisible to avoid being teased. The time at recess was stressful because I was just floating amongst different cliques I always felt I was tagging along or forcing my presence on others. I always felt tolerated rather than wanted maybe even pitied. It didn’t help when people called me ugly either. This is made me struggle with the desperate need to belong and take part in group activities and be a normal girl. But I wasn’t normal I could never keep my hair neat, couldn’t dress, and was just different from others.
I started getting closer to two people in middle school one of them I use to talk to and hang at her house and I introduced these two people and they became friends and I felt left out I couldn’t dance although I can sing dancing is it’s own beast. These girls introduced new friends and it was a clique during the summer This all ended with broken friendships and they hate each other until this day. In high school the other friend I spoke with became distant she had an interest in being noticed by others and being cool. She then moved away and we lost contact. I still had another friend who I spoke with almost everyday by phone but we didn’t hang out. I went through high school floating once more having associates not friends but not like the friends on tv or on movies. I didn’t go to parties or have a boyfriend. I expected to be invisible by guys I didn’t want their attention. I lived the best of my life in fantasy, in thoughts picturing the perfect boyfriend in my head. I pictured how he would look, talk, joke or make me feel special. I would write short stories and poetry and just watch movies anything that kept me locked in my realm of imagination. I went to college and for a second had a clique but that went awry. I was so lonely in college I was so miserable and depressed. I would cry in my dorm. Again, I hung with different people but due to having a different major I saw them less. I ate in the dinning hall alone I barely ate I always felt sick and felt weird eating by myself. I was dating someone it seemed good but this person showed his true colors eventually and was nothing like I thought I endured so much from this person just so that I wouldn’t be completely alone. I couldn’t bare being alone any longer who could sit in a dorm alone no roomate no visitors. Oddly, I wanted to be alone because I couldn’t relate to those around me.
Now I am free of a relationship and decided to learn another language and use a site to talk with people to practice languages. I have met a lot of people online nice people from Northern Africa and many Spanish speaking countries. My Arabic needs work but my Spanish is much better, now I can watch novelas. Most of all, I have learned about other cultures. My 25th birthday pasted recently I didn’t go out. This is when the sting of loneliness hits you. I use my time alone to do constructive things like learn African history or blog or practice my languages. I Iove sharing my thoughts with people on WordPress or with my language partners. I would be a liar to say I never feel alone but I have met people online who I have confided in and laughed with and shared my experiences with they don’t make me feel tolerated, I get more calls from them than in America. Men and females alike compliment me and tell me that I’m pretty and funny many cannot believe I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s like we are from two different worlds.They see a me that people in America never saw. I simply learn in my free time and I feel like most Americans never learn so they believe everything blindly. I tend to dig in the making of society and pose questions I try to look at life in a philosophical manner. I will utilize my extra time to self teach. Bottom line is use your free time being constructive.