She Dreams

Dreaming keeps me going, reality is illusion

I dream about love what it must feel like to be in love

The love you see in the movies. Lying on whites,

sheets laying underneath the cover,

dancing silly, pillow fights, kissing passionately.

A reciprocated love, a person who yearns for you the same way you do,,

anticipating your presence with the same aching hurt

joking with the same level of laughter

I dream of friendships like coming over your house daily, sharing secrets,

coming over on birthdays, private jokes, like on tv shows

maybe this isn’t real but just an illusion

but I love to live in la la land, it’s what I live for

Dreaming allows me to live in the moment,

I catch myself as I speak out loud.

Sometimes they over take me

I can’t stay in reality because fantasies offer another way out

I lose myself in it all the tastes of forbidden fruits

the joys and bliss of love I dance in an empty house

until I realize he isn’t alongside me whoever he is,

Some made up picture in my head of perfection

I live to dream, it breeds me gives life to the other side of me

Uncovers the hidden corners in my spirit,

lets the sun shine on my soul,brightening my life

It’s the key to my heavy hurt that bleeds.

Forever I will lie in this world…. just to escape this world

Moving my blog

I moved my blog to http://kikispeakshermind.weebly.com/   I have new content here.

Lonely

I spent my whole life either feeling alone or being alone. I just saw a video of this Youtuber who is beautiful yet she said she never really had friends but she had a boyfriend in high school. She even admitted she thinks of going places but had no one to go with. I know that story very well the sense you do not belong. The familiar feeling of being trapped in your own lack of social skills or not being normal enough. From elementary school I can remember my shyness I wanted to be invisible to avoid being teased. The time at recess was stressful because I was just floating amongst different cliques I always felt I was tagging along or forcing my presence on others. I always felt tolerated rather than wanted maybe even pitied. It didn’t help when people called me ugly either. This is made me struggle with the desperate need to belong and take part in group activities and be a normal girl. But I wasn’t normal I could never keep my hair neat, couldn’t dress, and was just different from others.

I started getting closer to two people in middle school one of them I use to talk to and hang at her house and I introduced these two people and they became friends and I felt left out I couldn’t dance although I can sing dancing is it’s own beast. These girls introduced new friends and it was a clique during the summer This all ended with broken friendships and they hate each other until this day. In high school the other friend I spoke with became distant she had an interest in being noticed by others and being cool. She then moved away and we lost contact. I still had another friend who I spoke with almost everyday by phone but we didn’t hang out.  I went through high school floating once more having associates not friends but not like the friends on tv or on movies. I didn’t go to parties or have a boyfriend. I expected to be invisible by guys I didn’t want their attention. I lived the best of my life in fantasy, in thoughts picturing the perfect boyfriend in my head. I pictured how he would look, talk, joke or make me feel special. I would write short stories and poetry and just watch movies anything that kept me locked in my realm of imagination. I went to college and for a second had a clique but that went awry. I was so lonely in college I was so miserable and depressed. I would cry in my dorm. Again, I hung with different people but due to having a different major I saw them less. I ate in the dinning hall alone I barely ate I always felt sick and felt weird eating by myself. I was dating someone it seemed good but this person showed his true colors eventually and was nothing like I thought I endured so much from this person just so that I wouldn’t be completely alone. I couldn’t bare being alone any longer who could sit in a dorm alone no roomate no visitors. Oddly, I wanted to be alone because I couldn’t relate to those around me.

Now I am free of a relationship and decided to learn another language and use a site to talk with people to practice languages. I have met a lot of people online nice people from Northern Africa and many Spanish speaking countries. My Arabic needs work but my Spanish is much better, now I can watch novelas. Most of all, I have learned about other cultures. My 25th birthday pasted recently I didn’t go out. This is when the sting of loneliness hits you. I use my time alone to do constructive things like learn African history or blog or practice my languages. I Iove sharing my thoughts with people on WordPress or with my language partners. I would be a liar to say I never feel alone but I have met people online who I have confided in and laughed with and shared my experiences with they don’t make me feel tolerated, I get more calls from them than in America. Men and females alike compliment me and tell me that I’m pretty and funny many cannot believe I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s like we are from two different worlds.They see a me that people in America never saw. I simply learn in my free time and I feel like most Americans never learn so they believe everything blindly. I tend to dig in the making of society and pose questions I try to look at life in a philosophical manner. I will utilize my extra time to self teach. Bottom line is use your free time being constructive.

The Feud: Africans vs. African Americans and The African Diaspora

This beef has gone on longer than any rap feud and has left a race of people hating each other for having different cultures. With the recent article by Zipporah singling out Black Americans as appropriating African culture the tension has become visible. This article offended me and she didn’t do her research. This article ironically was written by a British woman with African parents who is living in Asia that indulges in the culture of Thailand. Which I find interesting from looking at her social medias that she didn’t wear much of her own cultural attire or display the curiosity to learn about other cultures in Africa or to travel to Africa. Yet, she had enough pride about being African to tell those who did find African cultures interesting to tell them it didn’t belong to them. The second part of the article was that those she depicted in the article were African and Afro Caribbeans. If she had researched she would have learned about 1/4 of New York is full of Caribbean and African immigrants or the children of these immigrants. She also mentioned Afro-Punk as being the main source of this appropriation because many of them wear Fulani septum piercings and fabrics that belong to specific tribes. To be honest African Americans could be Fulani and Tikar, Hausa etc. We are a mixture of West Africa and thus wearing two different tribal attires isn’t that absurd. Unlike, Black Caribbeans our ancestors were beaten out of their language and culture so telling us we don’t understand or know the significance of these things is like adding insult to injury. Did we have a choice? If you were told to learn English and forget your tribal language and culture or you will be whipped or worse killed What would you do?  I kept thinking “Why us?” She never spoke about the black cities in Colombia that have festivals wearing colorful African inspired clothes, braids, tribal marks and head wraps . A lot of Jamaicans love Africa especially Ethiopia which inspired the whole Rastafarian movement. The same display of African culture and mixing of their current culture can be seen throughout the African Diaspora.

This article displays the sentiment that Africans don’t like Black Americans. They think we are culture-less, criminals, promiscuous females and males, and the ignorant failures who do not take advantage of their opportunities like education. As a person who has dated an West African and has been around various West Africans and East Africans I have gotten several negative comments from Africans and how we are viewed by many of them. The famous  Ethiopian woman who made a Youtube video about how Africans view Black Americans and never want to associate with Black Americans when they come to the U.S. isn’t too far off of how a lot of Africans see us. The saddest part of all is that many Africans that come here have an undying love for white people. They hate descendents of Africa but love whites. I was told by my African boyfriend white women act better. Many of his friends sought to only date white women or lighter skin black women. I see some cooning in both the Africans and the Black Americans.

A lot of this bitterness from Africans comes from being teased by Black Americans. A lot of Black Americans believe the stereotypes about Africans and say they are starving, sick, ignorant people dancing in huts, hunting zebras and other strange animals that most wouldn’t eat. I do sympathize with Africans who have been teased by Black Americans I will explain why this happens. The first generation of slaves were beaten out of their culture they were brainwashed to believe African tribes were uncivilized, their religion was voodoo and pagan and that they had no history. This has been reinforced by our history books with the deliberate omission of all of the accomplishments of Africa. We don’t learn about Emperor Mansa Musa of the Mali Empire who was said to be one of the richest men in history. We don’t learn about how Uganda was performing c-sections in the 1800’s before Great Britain. We are literally given the impression Africa is a  dark waste land that we were saved from by being in slavery. So just like Africans look down on us, a lot of Black Americans look down on them. The media portrays Africans negatively just like it portrays Black Americans negatively. We are both being brainwashed and suffering from self hate with the belief that white culture and white civilizations are better. You cannot love yourself if you hate the people that look like you and favor the people who mirror those who have oppressed, colonized, raped or enslaved you. This does not mean you should hate whites but Blacks all over the world need to stop worshipping whites as gods. Love yourself first and don’t seek friends and spouses because you think their entire race is better or prettier. When I was 17 I learned a lot of West Africans were bleaching their skin even with toxic cancerous household chemicals. Nigerian celebrities like Tonto Dikeh an actress admitted to bleaching her skin. She was already fairly light but she stated she liked her skin to be very fair. A Black African saying she wished to be lighter is a prime example of self-hate and wishing to attain to the looks of those who colonized her. If we look at Nollywood and Ghallywood  movies the most famous actors like Majid Michel, Nadia Bhuahri, Van Vicker are half white or mixed with other races.

We as Black Americans and Africans need to stop letting the systems of racism tear us apart. We need to take the time to learn each others history. It’s easy for Africans to say Blacks Americans should have done better economically but they don’t know anything about the attempts Black Americans have made to uplift themselves throughout history that have been dismantled. Neither do they realize Africans and Caribbean immigrants are seen as “the good blacks” That many employers hire them over Black Americans because they view them as smarter and hard working. Employers have even shown to hire lighter skin Blacks over darker. I noticed the way white professors and non-black students seemed sympathetic to African students paying for their schooling, giving them places to stay etc. The token black guy is a real thing and black success is based upon, skin tone, language vernacular, where you live and where your parents come from. Maybe if Africans learned how slavery helped make America what it is today, that the Yale libraries that they study in was built with the donations of slave owners as well as Harvard and Brown University named after the Brown Brothers. Maybe they would be proud that many  technologies they use today in America was built by African Americans. That the very reason they can sit in a classroom with whites and get an education, or live in the same neighborhoods was because Black Americans fought for integration being hosed down by fire hoses, attacked by dogs, murdered killed, beaten and arrested. Now, aren’t these the same Black Americans your ashamed of? The same ones that paved for your future and helped you date the very whites you marry that without the fight for interracial marriage you would be hung or jailed for looking at white women. To the Black Americans did you know Africans understood chemistry, melted metals, had gold and did trading, understood the importance of quarantining the sick and burning the area. That we come from Kingdoms and Empires that invaded Europe, that the Greeks looked to them for education and even wrote some mythology based upon Africans. That many revered African women as beautiful. That the skilled militaries fought off many European invasions. Does that sound like a history we should be ashamed of or a people with no history? Should any of us look down on each other or lack respect. Last time I checked Africa was suffering from Neo- Colonialism and blacks in America are still fighting for basic rights even now. Malcolm X knew his history he didn’t allow people to tell him that he was better off in America. Africans loved Malcolm X he spoke against the mistreatment of blacks in Africa as well as in America. He worked with many Pan Africans leaders in Africa to try the U.S. against crimes against humanity. He was killed for this reason. They realized the strength Blacks and Africans had when they worked together. And when Malcolm was in Africa he wore African clothes and they were proud of him for doing so. Now Africans and Black Americans ask yourself shouldn’t we be proud? And why are we ashamed of each other? Remember this alone we are just fingers together we are a mighty fist.

The Importance of Black Economics.

As African Americans we spend a lot of money even if we don’t come from a silver spoon. As a person who lives in a predominately black neighborhood I have seen boys spend hundred of dollars on shoes, shirts or jeans.  African American females also spend a lot of money due to the fact that  a lot of hair products are promoted to black women. Not to mention, African American hair needs a lot of moisture and also needs good products to keep it looking neat, Unfortunately, these hair creams and lotions and gels are usually not black owned and are full of chemicals. In a black neighborhood one can find stores selling hair extensions, hair and nail products, and make up  and all are owned by Arabs or  East Asians.  One can also see corner stores where adults can buy 40 ounce beers and cigarettes, children can buy chips, candy and soda. Unfortunately, things promoted and more accessible to blacks are actually unhealthy yet majority of blacks support this. Not to mention the customer service by Arabs or Asians in urban areas. From my own personal experience Arab men lusting after teen girls was quite common they would be 27 flirting with a 15 year old girl. I even had the unfortunate experience of going to the gas station as a 17 year old and having this Arab guy caress my arm. I felt disrespected and cheap sadly I feel Arab men see young black women as highly sexual and promiscuous and thus welcoming to sexual advances. I also witnessed a man telling a 14 year old’s mom that he would date her in 4 more years. Even now I deal with some Arab men flirting with me as he scans my items. Asian beauty supply stores and hair extensions in general are making a killing with selling hair extensions yet their is a lack of friendliness when I comes in a hair supply store it’s just a feeling they want my money yet don’t have any of respect for me.  Ironically, in a black neighborhood you rarely find a black owned business sometimes you may find a place that sells ribs and fried fish but the most money goes to other races. Most black business fail do to lack of funds and support from other blacks.

Ironically, even though we spend 1.1 trillion dollars we only put 2% into black owned businesses. I became more and more interested in promoting smaller black owned businesses after watching Seinsei Ashitemasu videos on integration and how it contributed to the failure of the black economy. The way in which she explained it is that we became so enamored with the idea of being near whites we forgot to take care of ourselves, we bought into this colorblind idea that we are all equal we let them go. As a black person I’m constantly told white is better therefore white businesses are better and a black business is less than. Subconsciously we as blacks think white businesses provides higher quality products or services or is more  professional. To be honest a lot blacks suffer from this collective self hate that makes us not trust a business just because the owner is black. Corporations know this and bank heavily on the black dollar. They bank their Black Friday sales predictions on how much blacks will spend. The odd thing about this is during segregation all blacks had was black owned. We had black hospitals, clothing stores, beauty supply stores, gas stations etc. Some blacks were doing so well they became billionaires and they did what they were suppose to which is put back into their communities and work in their communities, they opened black owned trade schools and colleges, started scholarships and gave to charities. What I learned recently about Carter G. Woodson the person who started Black History Week which later became Black History Month, was that he wanted blacks who went to school to go back into their own communities and work to build it up. The African American celebrities are so lost they either go by this attitude  that blacks didn’t make it because they didn’t work hard,or they don’t owe anyone of the same race anything which is so wrong because everyone can’t be a celeb and they had support along the way. We are not viewed by colorblind eyes they see us and judge as a whole. And our economics as a whole. On average the Average African American household is worth 6 thousand dollars. Since every race or ethnic groups starts their own business, hire family or friends and support each other why won’t we? I read in an article Donald Sterling mentioned blacks are poor because black celebrities care nothing for their own people and we as a whole don’t support each other part of this is true. He is a racist but he laid out the map for blacks and we should take note he said that he was Jewish and no one wanted to hire him so he started his own business and the Jewish community supported him and he became very wealthy. So why don’t we help each other so we can stop being called lazy and worthless welfare recipients even though I know some blacks with three jobs but hey stereotypes die hard.

My last point I want to make is withholding economics is the best way to protest. Martin Luther King’s Montgomery Bus boycott showed us this.  While blacks are in the street tearing up their neighborhoods which is counterproductive they should stop giving to non-black businesses, show them that you matter. This sends the clear message that if you don’t respect my body, my life or my health I do not respect you and will not patronize these large corporations. Once their bank accounts dry up the rich people in power will start to push for change and trust me “Racism is only a by product of capitalism ” As Fred Hampton, the former Black Panther said.  We can see how well blacks were doing if we study the success of Black Wallstreet.  In 1921 blacks in Tulsa, Oklahoma were thriving the only reason it failed was because whites in Tulsa, became jealous of how rich blacks living in Greenwood became (the black part of Tulsa) and used the excuse of a white girl saying she was raped to go and burn down 108 black owned businesses along with murdering innocent people and displacing them from their homes. Despite, their downfall I believe it can be done again. So check out Sensei Ashitemasu’s channel on Youtube she does reviews of black owned household essentials and skincare products. Next time you see a black owned business on Twitter, Instagram or a new store in your neighborhood check it out and patronize it. If everyone contributes a little it eventually makes a big impact.

The Unapologetic Robbing of Black Culture

There has been so many articles that have claimed to have started a new trend when in reality they literally stole it off the the bodies of black/African women and men. Black culture is literally being stolen without giving credit where credits due is due. The fact that the Mark by Mark Jacobs show displayed predominately white models wearing “twisted mini buns” and attributed to Guido Palau, is utterly ridiculous. These are Bantu Knots he not only stole this from African women but had the nerve to rename it. Jada Pickett wore this hairstyle in the Matrix and many women of African descent have worn this for thousands of years he didn’t inspire anything. Another example of cultural robbing is Katy Perry,  who was said to have started a new trend by slicking down the edges of her hair which black girls and women started in the 80’s and called it baby hairs. It’s ironic that we can attribute chopsticks worn in the hair to Asian women and Geisha styled makeup to Japanese women but suddenly catch cultural amnesia when it comes to box braids, cornrows, afros, dreads, bantu knots and baby hairs.  There was also an article that showed a white women with a curly afro which was obviously inspired by the popularlization of the natural hair movement which has inspired white business men to produce products that pertain to black women.

The sick part of this is when black women wear these hairstyles we lose are jobs or, questioned whether we are racist or pro-black, told it’s ugly, ghetto or Afro-centric. I have recently seen an old interview of Kathleen Cleaver, a former Black Panther and the interviewer asked her why did she wear her hair in an afro. Well, anyone who is black knows our hair grows out of our scalp in an upward position it does not naturally hang down and shrinks up to appear shorter so an afro is simply the result of combing our hair. The fact, that a white man had to question her for wearing her natural hair the way it is shows how we are given a double standard for being ourselves. I saw an screenshot of a black woman two days ago that said I got written up for wearing “ethnic hair”. Her hair was in a low ponytail to the back with an afro puff. The fact she didn’t straighten her hair was wrong? Black women’s hair is fragile and putting heat to it is damaging it can only be applied once a week or less often. We have to maintain straight hair with wrapping it in a dubi and applying a scarf to keep our hair from becoming frizzy as we sleep. Me, personally my hair has a hard time remaining straight for even 20 minutes humidity and a natural tendency to sweat from my scalp makes straight hair impossible to maintain  everyday. Black women have been put in a position where we feel forced to straighten our hair with chemicals that damage our hair, weaves which allow us an alternative from damaging our real hair but hides how we look, in order to keep our jobs, just to avoid questions, just to be beautiful. This is an explanation for those who say we mimic white culture we are forced to and when we don’t we are given stares asked if they can touch our hair, told it’s messy or not womanly.

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If you are white woman ask yourself this how many times did you get told straight hair, was unacceptable and you must wear braids or an afro to be beautiful. For those with curly hair can you honestly say kinky hair is the same as curly which tangles and suffers from brittle ends and breakage? I read that Bo Derek, said hair is just hair. The fact that she saw this style on black women replicated it and is  glorified for it while Thandie Newton, who is biracial was not allowed in a school photo for wearing cornrows gives us insight on the prejudice of blackness even in the UK.

Even beyond hair I have literally seen white people dress up as black people. Winnie Harlow, a model with vitiligo has been the inspiration for some white girls to paint their skin brown leaving some spots white and wear all types of African braids and hair scarves to look like her. Blackness is not a costume nor is vitiligo.  How can black culture be a trend if most black people are looked down upon. Even if Winnie was not socially aware enough to see how wrong this is that doesn’t mean it’s not wrong. I have encountered countless misguided black people say it was okay for their white friends to call them the n-word but that doesn’t make it okay. The fact that blackface has been used until this current day to make blacks look ignorant, caricariture and ugly makes it uncomfortable to be recreated for any reason. And yes, black women have tried it too but black women cannot dress up as black women we are already black and come in many shades.

Apart from, this black music is being taken, dare I say. We could argue that culture has been borrowed throughout history but black music has been robbed. The originally sound of Betty Boo, you know, the famous “boop bop bee do” was created by a black woman who performed at night clubs for a long time this was later taken without permission and helped create the cartoon Betty Boo. Little Richard started singing really fast to make it difficult for white singers who took his songs word from word and sang it in a less threatening manner. They never gave credit to Little Richard and took advantage of the fact black music wasn’t played on mainstream radio and thus he would not be recognized as the source. Elvis who is famous for his hip movements stole this from a lesser known  black male performer but Elvis took it as well  as his style of music and coined it as his own. The same happened with Jerry Lee Lewis, who use to go to black night clubs and took note of black style, slang and music. Black culture has been the source of exploitation where the original source is condemned and the theif is glorified. Now days we have Miley Cyrus who twerks which this term itself is from black culture and she is seen as the orignator. Miley’s new image is heavily borrowed from Hip Hop culture her teeth grill, and chains and sticking her butt out is made more famous than the rappers and black dancers who rocked it before her. Iggy Azalea, who I feel is modern day blackface, she changes her voice to sound urban, uses slang, accentuates her butt and dates black men to solidify her status. Iggy Azalea, is from Australia when she is done performing her voice is not like that she didn’t grow up around any black people she listened to black music imitated it and excelled in the industry. Some described this as cultural smudging. Our culture is smudged until it is no more and a new story is written. So now Elvis is the best dancer, Bo-Derek invented braids and Iggy is the best rapper? Does this sound like cultural blending or robbery? African history itself has been smudged and distorted and now blacks in the diaspora have to deal with decades of robbing our culture. We sue and berate others for taking a song or book but say nothing about mocking an exploiting a culture? We left the legal exploitation of slavery to be exploited by the entertainment business. What does that say to black people?  We have notable talent and style but it will only be acceptable when it is displayed and exhibited on a white face?

Maybe this Isn’t Love

Maybe this is not love

but I have kissed your lips a thousand times

And they taste as sweet as any scoop of honey

I laid in your arms a million times in fantasy

And I experienced your tangible caress

Maybe you don’t love me but I have slow danced with you

to a melody as you twirled me in a circle

maybe this isn’t love but

we have shared so many jokes until I laughed to tears

I wait for you to call to me

and think of you in your absence,

Maybe it is just a fantasy

but these give warmth to a cold chill of loneliness

These false memories give breath to a slow beating heart

Maybe this is just infatuation

yet it is better than any reality

Slow kisses, warm hugs and gazing eyes that feel the same

I swear I smell your cologne despite never being so close

I know the frame of your eyes your lips I love the most

I could have sworn you wiped the tears away

I felt my heart beat each time you were near

Such a strong fantasy the fading of these trances

Leave me holding on to my arms just to recreate the comfort

Maybe you have no idea you see me yet not so

I’ll be holding on to these memories,

It’s you I can’t let go.

P.S. I love you….maybe